John Michael Goetz
by d0rene
Summary: Background and prequel for John Goetz, the Ravenwood commander. This story makes his character more three dimensional and hopefully allows you to reconsider the original storyline.
1. Chapter 1

**JOHN MICHAEL GOETZ**

He was starting to question himself, at exactly what point would he go to far? What point would he have traded so much of himself that he had completely lost his moral compass..... His dad always teased him about the number of hamburgers he could eat from McDonalds growing up, that and his growth spurt when he hit his teens is how "Mac" had affectionately replaced the "Johnny" the family always called him by. He had been the oldest in a family of five. Joe Goetz had moved the family up to Savage MN, when Mac was three to take a job offer up there. Both the girls had been born there, but there had been no family connections and they had kept pretty much to themselves before Joe died unexpectedly of a heart attack twelve years later. Mac had pitched in with his mom to help hold the family together as a team after Dad's death, before Mom had met Doug. Joe had been a seasonal ag worker which allowed him the free time for his kids' school games, camping trips, and home projects during the winter but had never left any extra money and no ability to put back any savings. They had been very happy back then and it strengthened the bonds between the four of them after Joe died. Mom had met Doug just after Mac's sixteenth birthday, and it hadn't gone well between the two of them from the beginning. He had gotten along alright with Doug's son who they only saw maybe once or twice a month, but he had resented the guy trying to move into his Dad's place, his snide comments about Joe's financial abilities, and the way Mom had stopped asking his opinion and started taking Doug's. Life changed. He had gone from feeling like an adult heavily invested in his family to being an obnoxious kid who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. His sisters handled it a lot better. Jamie had only been seven and Janet had been ten, they were old enough to remember Dad but they were young enough to welcome Doug in and had not resented him quite the way Mac did. Having more cash and less stress on Mom in the house combined with a more normal family life had made his arrival welcome to them. If only there weren't the constant clashes between Mac and his new stepfather. Then the recruiters had taken a big interest in him his senior year. Mac was desperate to get out of the conflict at home - no matter how hard he tried he couldn't keep his mouth shut and neither could Doug. With no money for college and no outlook for a job, he had grabbed the offer the military had made him with both hands. He was smart and he was big. He had sprung up in high school, those Big Macs had him over 6' tall by the time he had hit 17. Basic had shaped his body and in addition to another late growth spurt, he had a very strong physical presence. His mom was proud of him again and the family, even Doug, treated him with respect and asked him questions when he came home on his brief visits. He had been blessed with good genetics and brains, now all he needed was the opportunity.

The military had given him a place to stay, a routine, a sense of purpose - an outlet where he was recognized and valued. His self-esteem and confidence rose. Finally he had found something he was good at. He didn't mind getting sent to Iraq, it was job that needed to be done and he had both the skills and the desire to do it. He loved his country as well as his family and he wanted both of them protected. So how had all that idealism and faith turned into this? Iraq had been easy at first. Follow orders. He had had enough training to know what he was doing and how to do it correctly. He had built up enough of a wall to distance himself from the things he was required to do that he didn't like. Having his dad die at an early had helped him learn how to compartmentalize things. Most people here knew him as Goetz or, maybe, John. There were very few people who knew Mac had ever existed. He still believed in good/bad, black/white and he still knew Americans were the guys on the white horses. He was ambitious and he was proud of the fact that he had started contributing a good chunk of his pay to a scholarship fund back home for both the girls. They WOULD go to college. He knew both Mom and Doug - he refused to call him Dad like the girls did - were pushing them pretty hard but they also now had Danny to help support, too. Getting that step up in rank meant a step up in pay which meant there would be a bigger cut to set back for the girls and he was fully focused on getting ahead. He had never forgiven Doug's cuts about his Dad and he was determined to help see Janet and Jamie settled before he could think of himself. The problem was, the longer he was in Iraq the more his idealism wore off and the more the organizational problems stood out. The harder it got to ignore the people who only did the absolute minimum they had to do to get by, the illegal shortcuts that nobody had the time or the energy to prosecute, or at least - for God's sake - put a stop to. The madder he got and the more he pushed, the higher the number of personal grudges he racked up. He had even gotten a couple of black marks on his permanent record for incidents he refused to let slip under the rug that ended up falling back on him. He could understand the regular enlisted, but what really burned him was the senior officers who simply wanted to act like they were here on vacation instead of safeguarding the people they had been sent here to protect. It was easier to be idealistic when he had first arrived but as he kept meeting and exceeding his goals and his rank grew, he had to start making decisions that depended on other people. He had to start weighing options against outcomes and the waters started getting muddier. It started getting a lot harder to be sure where right ended and wrong began and the shades of grey started creeping in between the black and white. His service date was getting closer, and he had spent so much of that time focusing on his training that it hadn't left him a lot of free time for socializing, but his superiors knew that they could count on him. He knew his job, he knew the capabilities of the people he worked with, and he knew the protocols and the standard drills by heart. He could quote you the Manual and list the page and paragraph. In a crisis situation he could go on auto pilot, his body knew instinctively what actions and procedures to follow.

Then came one of his occasional nights out with Mike and Adam when Tony had tagged along. That night Tony had made the last seven years seem worthless. It didn't matter how hard he worked or how much he cared, he'd never have Tony's background and opportunities. If he had just gone back stateside as he was planning when he was scheduled - he would have been there when everything went down, but Tony had him seriously questioning his entire service period and what would happen if he went home. Janet was more than halfway through college, and Jamie was well into her first year. They both had gotten good scholarships and were now working through the college. If they didn't have enough for all their schooling they had a good start. He wanted to be able to start thinking about himself. Let's face it, he just got scared. He, Adam, and Mike had a routine game of pool at least twice a month. The three of them had gone through basic about the same time and had stayed close as they arrived over here. They were the only ones who still called him Mac, though they hadn't known the story behind it. Tony had followed along after Mike - a loudmouth, rich military brat who represented everything Mac disliked about the service. Tony seemed to deliberately set out to punch Mac's buttons and he was feeling crappy enough that he got past his walls. The night ended a lot earlier than he had planned, but at least it didn't end in the fight it had been headed for. Mike had apologized the next day for Tony, but the damage was done.

A Jennings and Rall recruiter had caught him off the base at lunch about a month ago. He came specifically looking for him and Mac would be lying if he hadn't been flattered. His mom had been excited when he had casually mentioned it during a letter home, but he hadn't seriously considered working for them up till the night Tony blew his mouth off. The pay was incredible, but with some of the rumors that were floating around about them he was scared of exactly what he would be letting himself in for. It did start him thinking about it though. First mistake. The guy had said the offer was on the table, waiting, unless he chose to take the military up on another tour. Fuck Tony and his 3-star Dad. The offer would be standing for about 6 months after he resigned his commission and returned to the States. They were willing to wait for a man of his caliber.

Everybody on the base knew about Ravenwood, the guys made good money and the rules didn't seem to apply the same to them. Mac really liked how tight their organization was, everybody knew their job and stuck to it. He still didn't realize the fear that made the organization hum.

He had no close connections in the states anymore and while mom would be happy to have him home, he knew Doug wouldn't welcome him. Janet and Jamie were forging their own way and had been for the last 10 years. His years in the service really left him nothing in common with them anymore. He couldn't see how his skills and training would transfer to a job in the states. That was the second mistake, not looking beyond the carrot they were dangling for him. He just got scared of going back to being what he was before. Poor with nothing. … The military had been everything to him. His idealism started to resurface. Third mistake. He should have left it dead and buried it, but he used the excuse that maybe J&R would be a better organization if he went into it. HE might be a better person for it. They weren't so tied up in the bureaucracy and stagnation that was crippling the military. They were strictly a private organization and they were offering him a team of trained, hand-picked personnel. No wide-eyed greenies fresh from the states who would need somebody to baby sit them for the first 5 months. A good salary that would leave him well enough off after 4 or 5 years to live comfortably and possibly return to school himself.

Ravenwood hadn't been what he had expected. The company really didn't care about what you did or how you did it as long as you got the results they paid you for. J&R had the money and the pull to deal with the aftermath of what you left behind. Mac still cared about how things were done, but a lot of the other units didn't. Yeah, he didn't get the fresh-faced kids anymore, but some of what he did get were pretty scary. Hey, the more physically intimidating they were, the easier it made the job. The more you sent cold shivers up people's spines the less likely they were to try to go up against you. It was just part of his job to ride herd and direct them.

When the bomb hit they had known something was up, but nobody was talking and Mac hadn't been high enough on the need to know list to find out anything concrete until a week and a half after the blasts. Communications had been completely shut down to the states the first three days after the attack, and the next month was hell. They were an ocean away with their hands tied. They could only sit back and watch. What they did finally learn sent everybody into a tailspin. His hometown was only about 30 minutes from the Minneapolis ground zero. September 19 was Danny's birthday and they had probably been where they held all the birthday parties - camping out at Hidden Valley Park. Janet had made the trip up from school for it. Outside, they wouldn't have stood a chance. He just hoped it had been fast because he didn't want to think of the alternative, not even for Doug would he have wished that.

It would have been easier if had lost them all at the same time, but Jamie had gotten a message through to him from a tent camp in Florida. She had missed the party because she had a week long school assignment down there and he had spent hours frantically trying to make some arrangements, but then so was everybody else. By the time he was able to set something up it was too late. She had died of undisclosed causes. They had sent him her personal effects as much for identification as for anything else, There hadn't been much: a school bag full of books, a silver crucifix, and an engraved Mickey Mouse watch that he had sent her on her sixteenth birthday. He spent three days almost catatonic, only working because it kept him from thinking about the fact that she was lying nameless in a mass grave outside Fort Myers.

Jamie had been the family baby, she had never had to take care of herself because there was always either him or another family member around to look after her. Though he had kept in touch with everyone by the internet, he had very rarely made it back until last Christmas. He had warned Mom, but it was supposed to be a surprise for everybody else. Jamie had still heard him pull up and she had hit him full in the back as he was pulling his bags out of the backseat of the rental car. Mom had been yelling because she had run out in the snow in stocking feet but her eyes were shining and her waterfall of long straight hair had tickled his face when he had turned to hug her. He had been 14 again with his four year old sister hanging on him. While he loved his Mom and Janet, Jamie had been the one who wrote the most and whom he had been the closest to. It surprised him that he even missed Doug now. Losing them all wiped a part of him away that he hadn't realized he depended on.

Finally as he was laying there one night he had a vivid dream of a night his dad was still alive. It had been a baseball game that he had taken the loss of pretty hard. His eyes were closed and he could feel the deep hum of Midnight on his lap as he sat at the table. He could smell the pine disinfectant that his Mom cleaned the kitchen with and the warm wisp of the dish detergent as she did dishes at the sink. Janet had been trying to wheedle something out of her.

"Mac, cut it out, don't take it so hard." He felt the arm he was leaning his head against grasped firmly in a large warm hand. "Mac, you got to stop looking at the things you did wrong and appreciate the ones you did right. You and Mark Noram pulled a perfect double play out there. Both times you were at bat you got your runs - one was almost a homer, you made third base. Come on Dude, snap out of it." Man he hated it when his dad used slang.

Mac opened his eyes to see his father looking at him concernedly. Everything was crystal clear.

"John, you can't continually second guess yourself. Yeah, maybe if you had thrown it to Mike instead of home plate it would have worked better, maybe Jeff wouldn't have caught it either. They could have got a couple more runs in."

"John, regrets are for people…. People who want to take the time to sit around and cry about stuff. Who don't want to look for a better way to use their resources. You can't let second guessing yourself cripple you. It's a catch 22, son. If you don't make the decision and stand behind it then you have still made a decision. Plan ahead for contingencies, practice, practice, practice… but son, don't regret the stuff you don't have any control over. Just do the best you can and appreciate the advantages when you get them. They won't happen that often." Dad settled back relaxing in his chair blowing out a plume from the cigar he held loosely in his right hand.

The dream had faded leaving Mac with a sense of peace he hadn't had in a long time. Realistically he admitted that if he had been stateside he would have been at the park, there would have been absolutely nothing he could have done for Jamie then either. There wouldn't have been anyone to accept her things or even put a name to her. Work still had to be done and there were so many other people down. Everybody in his unit had lost loved ones, everybody was at their breaking point. They were thrown together and isolated from the outside by their losses and all the defenses he had built over the years started dissolving into the people around him as theirs drifted into him. He lost two of his guys to self inflicted wounds after they had received news from home. After that he made sure that actual details of family member's deaths were not disclosed unless there was a justifiable reason. It was too hard on everybody. He would never be able to step foot in Florida without throwing up.

How was he supposed to know when he joined J&R that ultimately he wouldn't be able to walk away from the team who had become his family, who had shared his burdens as he had shared theirs after that hideous day when the country they knew disappeared? Once again another abyss had opened leaving him teetering on its rim, once again it had closed leaving him harder and stronger. New cords began growing from the severed older ones, binding him irretrievably to the people around him. Once again people began finding Mac. Everyone in his unit was in the same shape, reeling and trying to find some reason to pull through. They depended on him to set the example. To make the right decisions, pull them together, and then to lead them forward. J&R was calling them home One of the new "presidents" had met their demands and Ravenwood was going to fly into the cleared Sac airforce base in Omaha. Suddenly, the job was the same, but his entire world view … shifted. Instead of being able to neatly compartmentalize his job and distance himself from it, he kept running into shades of his past. It was no longer Islamic extremists in his crosshairs, now he was seeing all the people that he had loved and lost..... He realized how much of his humanity he had put on the auction block and sold on blind faith to a government and a company he no longer believed in. He was wondering just how much more of it he was willing to give up.

He was also testing the bounds of his own ties to J&R. He no longer trusted them and was no longer willing to give them his undivided loyalty. He wasn't going to screw this up, though. He was going to be smart and start planning. J&R couldn't suspect what he was going to do. He was going to protect himself and his people, following orders to the letter, but he was going to start looking for an out, an out that would have to include his unit with him. But it was going to take planning. Planning, time, and money ….. That and the prayer that he wouldn't have to sell too much more of his soul to do it.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Ballad of John and Amanda **

_Prior story - John Michael Goetz_

Amanda Reed heard the quarter click down on the table and looked up from where she was kneeling on the floor. All she could see of the person from her vantage point was a pair of grey eyes and short curly hair. She went on extracting the balls to set the pool table up and said politely, "I'm sorry, we're not quite through yet. One more game and we should be finished."

"Look Amanda, I'm beat," said Shelly. "I feel bad, Greg is probably going nuts with the kids and he has to get to bed so he can be up early. It's cruel for me to stay out too much longer."

"Ok, Shelly, same time next week?" Amanda asked as she flashed her attention to the bubbly girl standing by the table.

He had seen her from a distance but up close all he could see now was cropped silver blond hair and a pair of bright blue eyes that looked at him frankly. She slowly stood up revealing a thin face, narrow nose, and skin marked by years of sun exposure. She was wearing a couple of tank tops that let her stay cool while still revealing her well developed upper body, yet with enough thickness to protect what modesty she felt she had. Her body though lean once was softening with age and the faded blue jeans she had on were stained with faint oil marks. A dark hoodie sat at one of the tables so she would be able to hide her hair when she was out at night.

She didn't get to town much and tried to stay out of it's affairs. There were a lot of newcomers lately but she did not recall seeing him and she was sure she would have remembered someone that tall as she felt a flush burning her face as it crept toward her hairline. She shot another quick look at him.

"Guess we are done with the table after all," she said, not meeting his eyes as she went to put the cue back in the rack.

"What's your hurry?" he asked. "I'll play you a game if you're interested. I don't come in here that often and the people I am with are more interested in drinking than playing. Alcohol fogs my brain, I don't like the effect it has on me both the night of and the morning after but if I don't get out with them once in a while it kind of puts me on the outside," he said easily.

His words just made him that much more attractive and he hadn't needed the help. Very tall with a chiseled hard physique and a confident but not brash attitude. She felt slightly breathless now.

"I'm afraid I'm not a good player and I don't bet," she laughed. "But if you want to…?" What the hell, she couldn't say he was harmless but it had been quite a while since she had such a strong reaction to someone. At least he wasn't an alcoholic. In today's world that had to be some kind of miracle and she knew how to handle the situation if there was a problem.

She didn't realize the strong impression she was creating in the man across from her. He had seen her in here a couple of times from a quiet corner.. She was never here long and never wandered too far from the front, usually just for a short game of pool with the other girl whom he knew was married with a couple of small children. Once to speak briefly with someone at the bar. She would have a beer once in a while, but she never drank it all and usually it was just tea. She had confident attitude, knew most people and spoke easily to many. Here was the only place he had seen her and his job required that he know people's names and histories. The best way to get information was to approach the source so he told himself it was his job to question her. He knew he was receiving a watchful glance from the bartender.

"I haven't seen you in here before, have I?" he lied smoothly.

"I don't come into town much, I live outside about two and a half miles. It's close enough that I can bike in or walk when I need to. I have some friends in town and I come in if I have business that needs done."

"Do you know Jonah Prowse?' He asked politely.

She looked at him directly, "Yeah, I know Jonah. Why? And just exactly who are you?"

Now he fumbled, trying to come up with an answer that wouldn't sound like he was pumping her for information. He was not used to that much directness.

"Well, I'm new in town and I'm still trying to get things figured out around here," was the only answer he could think of on such short notice.

She set the end of the cue on the floor at her feet and settled back on her heels. "And that requires that you know about Jonah Prowse?" she asked skeptically, one eyebrow raised.

Time for a diversion. "I think that we're getting off on the wrong foot, my name is John and yours is….?" he said as he stuck his hand out.

"Amanda." If he would only give a first name so would she. "And exactly why are you here in town?" she said neatly turning the table back on him.

Lie or tell the truth? He had the feeling she would smell a lie so he was going to have to try to turn it somehow. Damn it, he should have made some more small talk before he started with the questions.

"I'm the new city administrator here," he admitted quietly, and waited for her face to change as she learned it.

"Oh," she answered, her brain clicking over as she assimilated this fact. She tried to recall what she had heard about him.

He hit one of the solids in and went to make another shot. "Well, aren't you going to put your pool cue down and walk away?" he asked, darting a glance toward her and then away.

"Should I?" she asked in surprise.

"Most people do." he responded softly not looking at her now. "They usually mutter something about Rogue River when they do it, too.

"Number one," she said firmly, "I am not most people. Number two, I still remember Hurricane Katrina."

"What do you mean by that?" he asked.

"I remember a nursing home that went underwater. The staff just walked out and left the patients to drown and then everybody spent their time blaming the guy next to him. I said at the time when people bitched to me about it that I could understand it. Who takes authority in that type of situation? Where do you get the permission from when everything you do has to be authorized and documented? Then it happened again in a less severe situation when a warning went out. They would have been ok where they were at, but they elected to try to move the people out this time." She looked at him.

He thought he could vaguely remember something about that incident but the facts did not come to mind.

"An oxygen tank exploded in the move to the bus and several people were killed or injured. Elderly people are very fragile … what do you do? You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. The nursing home got sued for trying. They always have to blame somebody."

He stared at her in shock.

"People face stressful situations all the time, I can't and won't judge you because I wasn't there so I don't know what you were up against. None of us have ever had to face the situations we are in now. Everybody makes mistakes - the best you can do is try to learn from them and go on to do better the next time."

He felt a cold weight that had settled in his chest start to release as he dropped his eyes back to the table. An electric jolt went through him as he heard the same words said differently echo from the past. He started to relax a little. Maybe he would just make small talk for a while, he could always get back on target later.

They compared histories and talked about the differences in the agriculture of Minnesota and Kansas. The similarities and differences of small town life. Time went by pretty fast and Mac was startled when somebody else set a couple of quarters down on the table.

Amanda looked out the window surprised that it had started getting dark. "Wow, I hadn't realized it had gotten so late - I need to get home.," she said. Mac hit the last one of the solids in - she hadn't been much of a player as she said, but they had both enjoyed the game and the talking.

"Just a second," he said. "I'll walk you out." Again he got another cold warning looking from the woman behind the bar. She was definitely not happy about something.

"OK," Amanda said finishing the last of the sweet tea she had sitting on the windowsill and putting on the hoodie.

He finished his and set down the bottle before starting out, holding the door open and turning to wait until she caught up.

A bar always has a certain smoky closed in atmosphere and the fresh air hit them solidly, clearing their heads. The moon was full that night and they could see each other clearly though only a few of the street lights remained on to save on the electricity. They slowly headed down the street.

"If you want to, we could stop by my room at the motel… just to talk," he suggested innocently. I've got a private room with a shower that actually works, which to me is the height of luxury compared to some of the places I've been in. There is a front porch and we can just sit there if you want?"

Amanda knew the place. It was laid out as a single story with a deep overhung porch and rooms that ran down both sides. Older, but the rooms were large with a small kitchenette area and it was comfortable.

She was also old enough to know what he was suggesting could lead somewhere else and surprisingly she wasn't shocked. Surprisingly the idea was tempting. It had been a very long time since she had felt comfortable and interested enough in a guy to spend this much time talking. Her walls had not clicked into place as they usually did, locking the other person out. She was intrigued by her own reaction to him. After enduring a very bad relationship and painful breakup she wasn't looking to open herself up to get hurt again, but just feeling attracted to someone felt good.

The air was warm and humid but there was a cooler evening breeze overlaying it as they walked slowly toward the motel. Amanda still wasn't sure how far she would let this go. She took a chair set in the shadows by the door while he relaxed with his back against one of the railing posts. The conversation finally hit a lull and they sat in quiet companionable silence. Their voices felt too loud and it was enjoyable just sitting in the still night air.

She saw two young men clumsily walking up to their room talking loudly. They caught sight of John as he glanced around at them and quickly straightened up and went quietly into their room.

"I should go." she said.

"You don't have to…" he said as he looked at her directly. Her lower body clenched. He stood up and took the one step over to her chair to help her stand. Then he leaned down and kissed her slowly and she felt her knees wobble.

He drew back and looked down at her searchingly. "Stay. Please."

Amanda knew all the reasons she shouldn't. She didn't know this man, she had just met him, she didn't want the responsibility of a relationship and she didn't do these kind of things. But whatever decision she made would be on her head. She was entering into it sober and rational. She had no one who would be endangered by her bad choice - her daughter was grown and moved a state away. Her mother had passed away before the bombs went off… she would be the one who paid any consequences and her gut was saying yes. That streak of perversity in her that liked to take a risk emerged now.

Sex is many things to many people. Sometimes it is simply a release, sometimes it can be solace, it can be the cementing of a relationship, but it can also be an affirmation of and connection to life when there is nothing else to hang onto in a world of chaos.

"No strings? I am not on the pill and I am not quite that old enough to not worry about it…" she asked shakily, her stomach fluttering.

"No strings. I have something." he agreed as he opened the door and led her in. "My family called me Mac…."

_______________________

She traced a newly healed scar on his chest pensively as they relaxed several hours later. There were other marks, but this was the worst. "How bad was it?" she asked.

"Let's just say that I know why my uncle refused to talk about his experiences in 'Nam in the 60s…, why he hated guns and said: 'War is a horrific way for humans to treat one another,1' " Mac said, shaking his head as one arm cradled her against him while the other forearm rested against his forehead.

"Now I know how his generation felt when they came home and the country rejected them. Rogue River was bad, but what is so much worse is the people who don't understand the circumstances we were working under and want to believe the worst of us." He moved a little away from her lost in his thoughts. She knew there was a chance he would shut down… that the story would stop here and she waited patiently.

He gathered his thoughts and continued, "When we first got back in the U.S. we worked the west coast for about a week. You think the Midwest is bad, try the heavily populated coastline where they were rioting…. Then J&R started getting organized and splitting us up to work different sectors. We were lucky and got this area. My unit flew into the SAC air force base in Bellevue, Nebraska, before moving down to the Kansas line. The civilian population here is not as centralized, in places you could almost imagine that nothing had ever happened."

"What we were expected to do in the Rogue was to evacuate the entire area, willing or not. The water table was contaminated and that meant there was no useable drinking water, you couldn't even wash with it. Even though most of the housing was fine and you might be able to manage to find something to eat with contaminated water people were looking at a painful death. We moved everyone to a Wallmart lot to make a centralized transfer point. It was the only place big enough to contain everyone."

"Sometimes the only way you can make people move is to piss them off. If anger or hatred is what it takes to motivate people…. I can deal with it. We had no time and I had no patience. J&R was trying to locate semi trailers and drivers to load people - we couldn't take any personal belongings because we had no room - before moving further south before winter hit We had no idea where they were going, someplace where they would at least have access to water, shelter, and where it might be a little warmer and closer to a supply point. It was difficult to find the available trucks and drivers willing to make the run plus the diesel to do it. We were on a tight deadline. The top gave me less than two weeks to have everything moved out and the drivers had orders to walk and leave us regardless of where we were to be at the next evac site on schedule, no exceptions. Luckily Rogue was the only town my unit had to personally evacuate. My good attitude about it may have influenced that. Most of the rest of the time we were sent to find supplies for the camp and to send south."

He shook his head in disbelief. "Jericho and New Bern think they had it so rough. At least they were living in their own homes with more than a square foot of space to move around in. They might have been hungry and cold, but they still had privacy, the same neighbors, familiar landscapes, and belongings…. A lot of the Rogue people had only the clothing they were wearing when we evacuated." He stopped lost in his thoughts. "What did you hear about the Rogue?" he continued reflectively.

"Just that you killed a hospital full of medics and seriously ill people," she replied softly.

"There's more to it than that….." he sighed, shaking his head in disgust. "The hospital staff refused to accept what happened in the rest of this country. They didn't understand that they couldn't save everyone and thought they still had the right to make demands. They were stressed out, angry, and scared. There was no way we could transport everyone!! We explained that several times and just kept pushing ahead trying to get as much done in as short a time as possible."

"Three of the doctors and the physician in charge pulled a gun and demanded that we load ALL the patients. I was trying to talk them down, trying to make them understand…. There was no chance for a lot of them. It was going to be touch and go with the stronger ones, trying to get them to safety. We didn't have the resources, energy, medication, room, or time…. When that didn't work, I was trying to work a deal. Maybe leave a couple of doctors and some nurses behind to care for the ones we couldn't move and tell them we would try to get back later. It would have been a lie, but anything to get as many people loaded and out with as few a problems as possible.."

"We were at a standoff. They were outnumbered but they were very determined. The rest of the staff were backing them up. Somebody fired a shot… I don't know if it was one of the doctors or one of my guys, probably accidental. But with everybody stressed out… once someone starts firing you don't stop until what you are facing is down. We badly needed both the doctors and the nurses, but there was no going back once it started. And, yeah, rather than watch someone lay suffering with no way to help I did help matters along in a few cases, I would hope someone would do the same for me. We still had transport time we had to make to get as many people and supplies loaded and as far south as we could…. At least I walked away," he said, thinking of the ones who hadn't. The cost and pain of taking out Randy Peyton and the probability that it had been Randy who had 'misfired.' Randy already had two black marks and the third would have sent him back west for discipline. The stupidity he felt at trusting 'Dr.' Eric Green and losing Andy when they opened fire in the emergency room. His unit may be simply numbers to some people but to him they were people he had cracked jokes with, argued with, and ate a meal with. People he was responsible for. The losses hurt.

He made an effort to drop that train of thought and began again. "Jake held the same position in Iraq that I was and am in now. He was very good at the job. In fact, they had upped his rehire bonus to $30,000 if he signed on again and given a buddy of his the cash to give him along with a large bonus for 'Freddy?' if he could get Jake to agree to come back. J&R are a little unclear about what happened next, somehow the money ended up with the guy's fiancé in Texas and Freddy ended up dead. J&R is like that, if you mess up they don't forgive.. They will stand behind you as long they have a use for you but if they no longer need you, you're screwed. Especially if you are in their area when it happens. Freddy didn't get out fast enough."

"It's funny," he went on. "They had started something new in the last two years I was in Iraq. They wanted you to turn in a report on what you saw as the political atmosphere in a town, the key people, and what resources they needed and had for trade. They said it was just trying to get an objective view from different people and tracking possible market opportunities. Having that experience is what really turned it around for us here when we got back. It's how J&R consolidated this territory so rapidly." Mac paused. "I know that they had gotten some intelligence that something like this might happen… It's just funny that they were so prepared….," he trailed off, doubt in his voice. Then he continued, his voice stronger, "Jake was good at picking up chain of command and who were the major players in a town, I've read several of his reports and even had an occasion once to use some of it in one town. I didn't realize who he was when I first came here. There are a lot of things that you are expected to do that cross boundaries in this job. I know for a fact that there are still several people in Iraq who would like to meet Green and would pay dearly for information on his whereabouts, even now, but J&R is still shielding him hoping he may return to the flock. I know he has been in situations and done things worse than what I have had to do. Where does he get off acting like I'm the worst thing to hit this town?"

"Jake can't hate himself for things in the past, Mac, so he substitutes you." Amanda whispered softly. "Mac, it's one thing to go to another country and be in these situations with strangers, it is something else to come home and realize they can happen here. You see it differently when it's your family and your friends, …..," Amanda trailed off, remembering that Mac no longer had that problem. His family and their town were ashes, the satellite recon photos he had seen shown only rubble.

He stared bleakly at the ceiling, thinking that if he were the one in Jake's shoes he would probably feel the same way about a Ravenwood contractor entering his home town to secure a power base for J&R.

She laid her head against his shoulder, neither one wanting to talk anymore. They were both exhausted, and Mac fell into a fitful sleep.

Amanda lay awake thinking and watching the sky lighten in the east. Mac had finally hit a calm sleep and she got up to scribble a note for him to find when he woke up. She lay it on the pillow and then placed a soft kiss on his brow before walking softly to the bathroom to see if the shower actually worked as promised. They had already agreed to meet up next Thursday unless something happened.

She had set up a solar shower at home, but the gravity feed left a lot to be desired in water pressure. Here the water pressure was needle sharp and she let it run for a minute to get it hot before stepping in. She could almost believe in normal again as the humid air filled her lungs. Parts of her were aching from unused muscles that she knew would be worse later and the water felt wonderful. She soaped up and then noticed with satisfaction that there was both shampoo and conditioner on the shelf under the shower head. She was in the process of conditioning when an unnerving prickle of reaction ran across the surface of her skin. A second later the shower door unexpectedly opened and Mac stood there his face impassive and watchful. She froze with her hands in hair, eyes dilating as she lost the ability to breath

"You know, Jericho is under very strict water conservation orders." Mac said gravely. "I don't want to get either one of us in any trouble…" Slowly, with a faint smile on his face he stepped in reaching for her. The soft roar of the water cascaded across both their bodies as her arms fell on to his shoulders and the last coherent thought she had was that it would be a while yet before she left.

_______________________

She did finally leave when the sun was a little higher and Mac had promised he would try to get some sleep before going in that morning. She put on her sweatshirt with the hood covering her hair and with her hands in the front pocket she walked slowly down the road toward home. It was early enough that she shouldn't attract much attention. It wasn't a long walk but it felt good to stretch her legs and she wondered what she had let herself in for. They had agreed to meet at the motel next Thursday if he showed up at Bailey's. Neither one of them really wanted people talking about what they were doing but small towns are almost psychic sometimes, they knew everything whether you wanted them to or not.

There had been a couple of local guys who had tried to push things with her in the past but she wasn't interested and had been polite when turning them down. She had not felt the connection with them that she felt with Mac and she wouldn't put up with the town dictating to her who she could be involved with either, though. It was her life, and she liked Mac the more she knew him.

She thought back to something she had read sometime; a woman could not have sex without being in love and a man couldn't be in love without having sex. If a couple did have sex there was often a chemical reaction that induced the connection. Well, damn the consequences, she had said yes and she would have to wait to see what the future held.

_______________________

Life had continued on much the same. The following Thursday she was at the pool table when Mac walked in. He shot one searching glance in her direction before going back to sit with a table of Ravenwood guys in the back. He stayed for a half hour and then headed back out the door. His eyes went almost involuntarily to her as he walked out.

Shelly noticed and her eyes narrowed but she didn't say anything and Amanda kept her face blank. Sometimes not reacting to something is as much of a giveaway as a reaction.

As soon as the game was over Shelly headed home and Amanda made her way to room 7 where Mac opened the door as soon as she rapped softly. Richard Marx was playing softly in the background and he had scrounged up a small bottle of peach schnapps that sat on the small table in his room along with a vase of wildflowers. He clumsily lit the candles that were also there.

"I thought I could try to be a little romantic this time," he laughed self-consciously, flushing.

"That is so nice," she smiled as she hugged him from behind. "As long as we don't burn the place down."

"Maybe I better blow the candle out, we may burn the place down but I don't want it to be from the candle," he laughed as he turned around.

They talked a little first though Mac was no longer simply interested in information, he was starting to develop a connection to this place through her. A lot of what Amanda knew was simply about the Jericho of the past, she wasn't as connected to it's present. Her daughter had wanted her to move after everything had happened but she hadn't wanted to leave the family ground where she had invested so much of herself. He was learning about her the same as she was learning about him. He talked about some of the problems he had had with his stepfather and how hard he had taken the loss of his family when the bombs went off. Sometimes sharing a burden makes it lighter. She knew he wasn't happy working for J&R and was looking to quit to return to Virginia where he had done his basic and to the friends he heard were holding out. Virginia was reeling from the effects of the Hudson River Virus and while Norfolk had been hit during the attacks, the area he wanted to relocate to was in the western tip of the state and had managed to escape most of the drift from the fallout. Matt had made it clear they really needed his help and experience. He would listen to her successes and failures with her gardening and the animals, often able to offer practical alternatives from his own background or just serve as a sounding board. The couple of hours on Thursday wasn't enough so they also started meeting on Wednesday after they had discovered they both enjoyed cooking. Mac had always helped his dad with the grill while he was alive and after his loss it had often fell to Mac and his sisters to get the meal around before mom got home from work.

It wasn't just about sex or the meals, it was about having someone to reflect back on things that happened while they were apart. It was relaxing and having someone to delight in your victories and to help you find a way around the problems. They could discuss the week's events and compare different viewpoints to gain new insights into their own life. She had never felt this comfortable or relaxed around anyone.

Their evenings together provided a stable factor for both of them. Somehow they had found something normal in the abnormality of their present reality. Funny how strings start getting attached whether you wanted them to or not.

Shelly tried to bring up her concern in a roundabout fashion one time but Amanda had told her to stay out of it. "I am over 21, I don't have to answer to anyone, and I like him. End of story." The 'him' was never given a name.

Some people where shocked and went out of their way when they saw her, but it was nothing that had not happened in the past when she had remained unmarried and raised her daughter with help from her mom. Jericho was still good in that most citizens believed in leaving well enough alone and not trying to stamp a strict code of ethics on people's actions. She had never been someone who had been willing to conform or to try to live up to an expected social code.

She always went to his room, he didn't come out to the farm and she was comfortable with that. The farm was her sanctuary and even though she was starting to care about him she didn't feel comfortable asking him out there. There was too much of herself on display. She had realized they were a lot alike, both with high walls that separated them from the people around them. Somehow the walls fell when they were around each other and they could see what went on behind the mask they usually wore. She could now recognize the blank indifferent face he presented to the world when he was upset. Her hair was longer now. He had asked her not to cut it and while she had been irritated it must mean something that she hadn't.

Then came an incident in town with some visitors from New Bern. A couple of guys she recognized slightly had made her nervous when she had stopped by Mac's room. The biggest disagreement happened the next week when he handed her a small handgun and ordered her to start carrying it.

"I am not one of your men, Mac, and I am not carrying that." she said firmly, her eyes flat as she handed it back to him..

"Mandy, being associated with me can be dangerous. I make you a target and I would feel better if I knew you had something to defend yourself."

"Mac, you're going to have to let me to take care of myself. Something could happen to either one of us at any time. Carrying a gun gives someone the opportunity to take it away from me and use it. I don't like guns and I feel safer not carrying it, do you think it wouldn't affect me if something happened to you?" she demanded.

"I've got a lot of field experience being in bad situations. I'm never by myself and between my men and the amount of ammunition and guns we carry nothing has gotten us yet.." Mac shrugged. "I've lived with the knowledge that I'm on borrowed time for the last ten years. It's a part of my life. But I don't want it to be a part of yours."

"The only thing in life that is certain Mac, is death and paying taxes. I could live my life taking every precaution, eating only the right foods and sanitizing everything in sight only to have a bus run into my house and kill me in my sleep. What kind of a life would I have had? One thing I do have control over is how I choose to live that life. Guns give you a false sense of security - you focus all your attention on the end of that barrel and stop seeing the person or the situation and just see how to eliminate a problem." she paused, before continuing. "Did a gun save that doctor in the Rogue?" Mac flinched. "The person on the wrong end of the gun feels only fear and sees only a threat when they look at you. They start looking for a way to eliminate you. You lose all communication or ability to connect."

"Everybody eventually runs out of bullets, Mac. A lot of times a gun makes a situation worse than if it had never been brought into it. The Second Amendment guaranteed Americans the right to keep and bear arms and I believe in that right and am willing to fight for it. I have both a shotgun and a Marlin at home for defense or to put an animal down if I need them. When this town needs me to, I have and I WILL pick up a gun in its defense but I don't like them and I still believe you can find a way around having to use it most of the time. This is something I feel pretty strongly about - guns have a purpose but I won't carry one constantly."

Mac tiredly backed off the subject seeing that she wouldn't be budged and put it away before going to sit down at the small table.

"Why does New Bern hate you so much?" she had heard some stories, but would rather hear from the source.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Decision I made." He shook his head tiredly. "I can't be expected to get it right all the time, especially when I'm angry and so tired I can't think straight." Still looking down at the table, he leaned back in the chair he was sitting on and crossed his legs while beginning to fill in the details of the bare bones story she had heard several weeks ago.

"We had been working an area of I80 with a bad road gang that was terrorizing several different towns and just generally making the road impassable. We had a couple of run-ins with them and one major blowup right before we found New Bern."

"Everything was great when we first went into the town. They were happy to see us and seemed eager to help any way they could and we were grateful to have a comfortable safe haven. We set up a temporary command center in the courthouse and were keeping a lot of our critical equipment there, it originally looked like New Bern was going to be our base town."

"We got a call about a location on that gang and lit out leaving two guys stationed in town while we tried to get a surprise hit on them before they could go underground again. It was a bloody fight that took us about a day and a half before we lost them. It took us another four months before we could get that gang pinned down and taken out, but that evening when we pulled back into town we were exhausted with several minor injuries only to be told that both the guys stationed there had lit out with all our remaining equipment."

"The city administration tried to claim they had received word from us and loaded the equipment in a spare vehicle and headed out of town, trying to make it look like they had gone AWOL. I knew better, both of them had been with me since Iraq. I would have trusted either one of them with my life. Fuck, they trusted me with theirs." he stopped and shook his head. "So we started doing a concentrated search. It only took about an hour to find them, whoever did it obviously didn't have a lot of criminal experience. They must have hit them right after we left town, they were tied and gagged in a sealed chest in the basement of the courthouse. They had suffocated. On top of everything else we rolled back into town to that…. "

He turned a dark blazing, cobalt glare toward Mandy. "We stripped that town," he said viciously, "- in the process we found most of our equipment. Normally we didn't take everything because with winter coming they would need some supplies to see them through but I made an exception for them. There were some night goggles and a long-range ruggedized base CB with 5 handsets that we never recovered. Funny how one of those handsets turned up on the Jericho inventory list, huh? A lot of times in the field you are only as good as the equipment you carry. We could not replace that stuff easily."

"Looking back, especially after having more experience in this area, I have one major regret. I held the mayor responsible and executed him plus three or four other men immediately under him who were in charge. I was angry and wanted revenge and to make them understand they couldn't get away with knifing us in the back. I needed someone to pay for what I felt was my mistake in trusting them. The one person I should have taken out was Phil Constantino. I think the mayor was a pretty good man, he accepted the responsibility, I think, as much to try to deflect our anger with the town. It didn't do any good. I was beyond angry and not thinking as clearly as I should have been. I don't believe he was as involved now as what I did at the time. I think the main person behind it was Constantino. By taking the mayor and the other leaders out it allowed Constantino to make a major power play and take over. I can't do anything to him now, Beck has tied my hands. If anything happens to either Green or Constantino and he can connect it to me in any way it will be my head. Hindsight is 20/20. But the things that happened in New Bern - whether Constantino wants to admit it or not - were the result of their own actions."

"Sometimes I wonder why I bother… the problems. Am I making a situation worse or helping? Most people seem to think I kick puppies and take candy from small children." He looked down morosely.

Amanda glanced up from where she was standing. "I've got a poem posted on the fridge at home called, _The Final Analysis_.2 The ending line is: "in the final analysis, it is between you and God, it was never between you and other people." There may be a lot of people angry at you down south, Mac, but they are angry and alive because you got supplies and fed them and got them moved. There are people who have lived because your group took out road gangs and made the roads passable. You just have to do what you feel is right and keep putting one foot after the other. There are always going to be doubts and mistakes, but really , would you rather have someone like Constantino making those decisions? Look at what he has turned New Bern into."

He looked up at her and said, "I am so sick of the mess here, I'm not sure I can take it much longer. I got an email from Matt the other day bragging about the weather and asking when I was going to show up. He was the friend that I had during basic. He's got some information on a place I might be interested in…. Have you ever been to Virginia, Amanda? It is absolutely beautiful there."

"No, I've never been too far from home for very long," she laughed. "There has always been too much I need to do around here. I don't like leaving this place unprotected. It doesn't take much, just the fact that I am here with an eye out makes people back off."

He suddenly looked at her intently. "When I get established, would you consider moving out there? I know I've done too much back around here to feel comfortable staying, but in Virginia I could start over. There are a lot of opportunities that have been created for somebody willing to work. I really like Prowse's set-up. He's put a lot of thought and time into that compound out there, he hasn't always stayed on the right side of the law but that's a choice he made. I see a lot of possibilities even with staying on the right side and I have enough contacts both here and overseas that I could set up a pretty good business." He looked down brooding, then glanced up again at Amanda. "I would really like you to go with me. I'm not in the position to promise anything now, but we have a good thing going, Mandy. It would be nice to start trying to have a stable life again, I'd like you to be a part of it."

Amanda was silent, then told him she would think about it. "Do you know when you are leaving?" A cold dread gripped her heart at the thought of not seeing him again.

She watched a guarded expression cross his face as he looked away and knew there was more to the story than he was telling her when he replied, "I'm not sure, it will depend on when this situation stabilizes. Please don't mention it to anyone."

Who would she tell about what the city administrator was doing? Especially when she wouldn't even admit she was involved with him.

_______________________

It had been almost six months since they had started seeing each other when Amanda heard a military humvee pull into her drive. The dogs were hysterical.

Mac had always made a point of not interfering. He had known where she lived but had stayed away because he felt she wouldn't want him intruding so she worried and wondered what was going on as she let him and the dogs in.

He turned to the two young men neither of whom she recognized as the guys he normally had with him who had accompanied him. "Don't tear anything up but I want intelligence from about a 200 hundred foot perimeter." He was breathing as if he had been running. "Stick your heads in the sheds and give me a report of what you see there, too. I am going to check out inside here. After you are done, wait in the vehicle to report when I come out." Without waiting for their reaction he turned and stepped inside and shut the door.

She flushed, feeling exposed and vulnerable here in her home with the private parts of her personality on display. There were still dishes in the sink and she had one bunch of chicks in a box on the floor in the kitchen. A cordless screw driver and extra battery pack were still sitting on the table with some wadded up tablecloths and a wooden bowl filled with onions. An outraged cat skittered down and ran toward the back. In a trailer house the three cats made sure there were no mice and she appreciated them but a lot of people don't. A router table with the router beside it lay on it's side by the box of baby chicks, and there was almost a whole wall that consisted of an eclectic mix of books on homemade shelves. Everything from New Age Spiritualism to high school shop books from the 50s on woodworking. She looked at him uncertainly and told him she would be back in a minute before pulling the dogs back to her bedroom to shut the door.

He was standing at the table after having cleared a small spot and was laying things out hurriedly when she came out. Even as she stepped into the kitchen he used his teeth to rip open the packaging on a disposable needle.

"What are you doing?" she asked in disbelief.

"Everything just hit the fan. I was going to do this next Wednesday, but I am going to have to do it now. We got some extra vaccine for the Hudson River Virus from corporate last Friday and I managed to secure an extra one for you," he stated while filling the needle from a small vial he pulled out of the vest he was wearing. He didn't mention that one vial had been reported as breaking when it fell off the table.

"Umm, I don't like needles and we really don't need to do this now." she stated nervously. "I've heard that there are sources available through the black market if I need it later."

"Mandy, I've been on the roads. I wouldn't trust anything that didn't come directly from a lab. Do you know what some people are brewing up in their garages?" Mac shook his head in disbelief. "Anything for a buck or supplies and they don't care who they hurt in the process. Stop being a baby and come here. I am leaving town and I am still hoping to get to Virginia eventually- I want to know you are vaccinated before I leave so that if I send for you, you aren't at risk of contracting it." Mac had finished his preparations and stood there looking at her challengingly. "I don't want you to make the journey only to lose you to that." He waited a second while she looked at him and then added, "Don't you trust me?"

"I'm not sure I do with a needle," she whined before rolling her eyes and walking over to him.

He began tapping her firmly on the shoulder with the fleshy side of his left fist before expertly changing hands to the needle in his right and completing the injection. She barely felt it.

"If you have any reaction at the site, or if you start feeling ill go in to the hospital and see Kenchy. I doubt you will but if you do have it checked out. I probably won't be here," he told her.

What is going on?" she asked.

"I am trying to find Mimi Clark," he told her with a shuttered expression. "I made a very bad miscalculation today."

He stopped and she suddenly realized that he was almost in shock. She put a hand out and touched his shoulder to find it cold and hard. He caught his breath and rubbed his hand across his face. "I've been trying to get extra funds to jump the border to head to Virginia, trying to get extra supplies set back and I was very, very careful but I hadn't counted on Mimi catching a discrepancy. If I would have just waited … I think she was intimidated enough that she would have turned over the ledger without a problem. What could anyone have done about it? I'm the damn City Administrator!! I could have worked out some story…..," he slammed his fist sideways into the refrigerator, leaving a dent before turning his back for a moment.

Shaking his head he turned back around and looked down. Amanda waited uncertainly, her heart suddenly in her throat. She retreated to the living room.

"I just wanted the ledger. I got cocky and I stopped thinking clearly. I just wanted to get it before somebody else saw it. All I needed was another two weeks. [bold]**Just two fucking weeks….!![/bold] **Since I didn't really foresee a problem I only took three of my men out when I went out to pull it."

He stopped for a moment, then began again. "Bonnie Richmond answered the door, claimed Mimi wasn't there and then ran back into the house. When Sean approached the door somebody shot him. He was dead on the spot. I didn't know who was in there, I didn't know if someone was holding Ms. Richmond against her will or what was going on. We just automatically went into attack mode and stormed the place. Alan was alive but fatally wounded and then Sam went down. If she had another bullet I would not be standing here now." He rubbed his eyes, trying to emotionally distance himself from the story.

"I won't ask any of my men to do something I won't. I initiated action and couldn't stop the follow through when I saw who it was. It isn't any worse than some of the other things I have had to do. Alan was still conscious and in pain, but he helped me load up Sam and Sean. I grabbed the ledger and raced back to town. Alan died on the way in, and it was all for nothing… Mimi was in there too. If I had searched the premises I would have found her and it would have been finished there, but I was freaked because I was by myself and I was still hoping something could be done for Alan." He wouldn't look at her.

"John," Amanda said slowly with growing horror. "What did you do?"

"I shot Bonnie Richmond," he finally admitted.

"You [bold]**WHAT[/bold]**??" she roared, her voice deepening

"Did you hear me before, if she hadn't run out of bullets I would not be standing here now." He looked at her hard and unfriendly. "I would be laying in the Richmond kitchen with them probably trying to figure out how to dispose of my body and clean up the mess. The Greens would have been thrilled. I should have known that an 18-year old deaf girl could not take out 3 of my people by herself… I should have known there was somebody else in that house and not stopped till it was finished…."

"Why are you looking for Mimi now? What are you planning on doing when you find her?" she asked trying to contain the fear his words awoke in her.

"I don't know.. but I have to get her - I think she might have been in on the shooting. I have to wipe out any trace of that ledger!" he yelled.

"No you don't," Amanda said slowly trying to reach him. "Shooting Bonnie could be viewed as an accident. You are admitting you don't know what you are willing to do if you find Mimi. Stop this [bold]NOW, [/bold]John. Take a few deep breaths and start thinking clearly. If anything happened to Mimi it would be a cold blooded act… please don't do this…." she pleaded.

"I have to, I don't have any choice, I have got to stop this. I am meeting reinforcements tomorrow morning and I am going to have to try to bluff it out. I can't risk letting J&R be aware of what I've been planning. Not everything is in place… but I am going to have to go with what there is," he said grimly. He pulled out a small notebook from another one of the many pockets of his vest. "In case something does happen I've written down Matt's e-mail. The library computers are up and running, you can book time by the half hour in there. Please send him the information and some passwords to some accounts he is aware of." He laid it on the table.

"Listen to yourself, John. There is no reason to keep looking for Mimi. Concentrate on doing what you can to get out of here. Please don't do this… " she stated sadly.

He looked at her in pain. "I don't know… the offer is still standing - I want you to come out to Virginia after I get established, … please. I know you've lived here your whole life but you aren't really connected to the town. You have a few friends but you've only been existing here. Please don't make me leave you behind." He looked at her softly. She was still trying to absorb his confession and what it meant to her.. To them.

He went down heavily on one knee. "What are you doing?" she demanded, her eyes widening.

"I want to try to do this right and this may be the only chance I get I know when we started we said no strings….. but I don't feel that way and I haven't for a while. I'm hoping you don't either. I don't have a ring but I want you to understand exactly what I am asking of you Amanda," he stated calmly.

"I will not forgive you if you hurt Mimi Clark," she stated again, velvet cloaking the iron in her voice. Looking at her, he knew she meant it. Slowly he stood back up. Her knight in beaten rusty armor.

"I don't know… I'll have to cross that bridge if I find it. I WILL send for you if I make it and can get established. It won't be me but it will be someone I trust because I won't risk coming back into J&R's territory if I get out in one piece. The code word will be Red Dawn," he smiled at the mention of a movie they had both loved in high school. "I hope you decide to come but I guess I will understand if you don't. If you do we will repeat this scene." He closed the distance between them and hugged her, then leaning back to touch his forehead to hers as they both closed their eyes for a minute.

"I wished I could have met you sooner, Mandy, before everything happened."

"If everything hadn't happened the way it did we wouldn't be who we are now. We might never have met," she sighed tiredly as she leaned into him. "You know, Mac, I believe that if we don't have this life, we will have another one sometime. Please try not to be such an asshole that so many people want to kill you in the next one," she requested softly.

He leaned back and smiled down at her, rolling his eyes, "Only if you promise to get out more so we have a chance to meet." Gently he leaned in to kiss her softly one last time, cupping her cheek reverently with the palm of his hand before dropping it to stride to the door and going through it swiftly, barking orders to the one man still trying to do the commanded sweep of the barn.

Amanda stood frozen in the living room looking around at her things and hearing the dogs complain from the back. …..Hearing the receding roar of a humvee and feeling her breath stop and her heart crack just a little, understanding that it may be the last time she saw him. The faint sting she felt from her upper arm was the only thing that proved he had been there.

Could she leave? When he had first brought it up she had been adamantly against it, but then she sat back and seriously thought about it. She had never put much stock in things. Yeah, she had less tangible things here that were important to her. The memories. The asparagus bed that had been started by her parents almost 30 years ago that she had added to. The fruit trees in the back that she had planted ten years ago and were just starting to put fruit out. This land had been in her family for over a hundred years but Mac was right - she was just existing here. Knowing him had made her realize that. It would require her walking away from everything to follow him… and she thought she could do it - if he didn't hurt Mimi. That answer would lie with him.

She had already approached one of the refugees about moving out here. He and his family were good people and it would simply be a matter of making sure people knew about the transfer - she had already informed Shelly and she knew Shelly would serve as witness. The papers had been drawn up. They couldn't offer her anything in exchange but she knew they would take care of her animals - the dogs were going with her. She wouldn't leave them but she hoped they would be able to love the cats but if they didn't, the cats had frequently hunted the barn for mice and could start rooming there again. The farm depended on the cats more than the dogs for rodent patrol - she depended on the dogs. Jim Adams had some agricultural experience so he would not be at a loss with the things that needed to done here. It would be a good start for them..

.

_______________________

Gary Hansen pulled up into the driveway about 8:00 p.m. the next evening and she had tensed when she heard a vehicle in the drive. Looking out she only saw Gary she stepped out onto the porch.

They made some casual small talk about the weather and then Gary got down to telling her what he had really come to say.

"You heard about them Ravenwood guys, didn't you?" he asked

Amanda felt her face settle into the bland indifferent mask she had so often seen on Mac. "No," she shrugged, "Can't say as I have. What happened?"

"They found out Goetz was embezzling from J&R. The company caught up with him and fired him outside of town, driving away with the vehicles and their equipment and only leaving him with a few of his men and their personal weapons. The Rangers and some New Bern guys were waiting for them." He looked away from her and down. A weight started pressing on her chest.. He flicked his eyes toward her and away. "They killed his men but Goetz might have been ok - they were fighting over who got control of him."

Amanda looked down fighting to hold her face blank.

"Stanley Richmond pulled up while they were fighting and just walked up and shot him. They shot Bonnie…. Don't know if you had heard that," he continued looking off into the distance.

Holding her voice steady, she said, "They stopped by here last night searching for Mimi Clark - did they get her, too?" she asked feeling a detached calm spread across her.

"No, Mimi got clear." he said still staring off into the horizon.

"Thank God!" she said with feeling. That would be one less black mark on his soul. "Is Stanley alright?"

"Yeah, but I heard tell he's not taking it very well. Stanley Richmond was never meant to be a cold blooded killer." he said sadly.

"Nobody ever is, Gary. Nobody ever is. Sometimes it just happens." She felt her eyes trying to fill. She battled it back. "Gary, thank you for stopping with that news, I'm glad to know they got him." She was proud of the fact her voice sounded steady. She was very grateful she had heard it here, on her front step, instead of in town where she would have had to endure grisly details from a bunch of spectators, then try to crawl home afterward

"Yeah, well I thought you would want to know," he said compassionately. She was a good neighbor, she did what she could to try to help him and she seldom made waves. There had been talk about her and Goetz and he didn't know if it was true or not but he wouldn't have wanted her to find out in town. He turned slowly to his vehicle.

"Gary….," she stopped him and he turned to look at her. Not looking up she said, "I asked Jim Adams to stop out by, I am going to see if him and his family want to move out here. I have more than enough for me, I could use the help and they seem like a good family."

His eyes widened, startled. He knew Jim Adams and knew what a hard worker he was. Having him that close would be very handy for him, too. "Really?" he said. "That is not a bad idea, Amanda. I worry about you being out here alone sometimes."

Still looking down, she said, "Gary, you can't live your whole life in fear. I was born on this place and I can't see harm ever coming to me here but I've let myself get too isolated. What I have may not seem like a lot to some people but I've always had enough for me and I think there is more for some other people too, especially with the help……"

Delicately he agreed, wondering if she was alright, watching her as she turned tiredly to go back into the trailer. He finished getting back into the car knowing that other people would be sure to tell her about Goetz to see her reaction when she went into town, knowing he had armed her for it. He had watched her grow up and he hated seeing her hurt.

After she shut the door she leaned her head against the frame and let the tears fall… _Nobody ever sets out to be a cold blooded killer_…. She cried for Bonnie Richmond, she cried for Stanley and what he was going through and what he would have to live with. She cried for John Goetz and, truth be told, she cried for herself, too. For what she lost even though he had given her a piece of herself she would never have been aware of without him.

She stood there for a half hour before going outside to start chores. Life goes on and the world doesn't stop spinning just because your heart breaks.

She would probably never know if Mac had made the decision to let Mimi go, it really didn't matter now. The end result was he wouldn't have that mark to weigh on him. She wondered if he had thought of her at the end, if the mask he wore had slipped at the end. She knew she would have a hard time hearing the hatred spoken about him. She would probably speak up for him in death as she hadn't in life. It was going to be a very long night and she stared sightlessly at the ceiling.

Somewhere in the darkness she felt the weight of a pair of grey eyes and a lean dark man watched her impassively as he stood guard, his arms crossed, a slight smile touching his lips.

Life is for the living and she would have to get up and do that sooner or later. She knew that no matter what he had faced, Mac had always found a way to keep going and live and she would have to, too, for both of them……

**THE END**

1The actual quote is from a Vietnam vet. The full quote is: "There is no humanity in war. There is no romance in war. It is a horrific way for humans to treat one another." It is taken from an interview with Gary Pitt who enlisted in the marines in '64. He was squad leader for a unit who completed boot camp, went for 5 weeks of Second Infantry Training and were then informed they were preparing for a large war game exercise in California. When they got the word to move out for the "game, " they hadno idea were they were going or why and never said goodbye to family . Pitt said they had some very unique situations in Vietnam in the beginning days that later troops would not have to face. "We were in some really remote bad situations without support for extended periods of time." What is worse was coming back to the abuse they faced from the public. Flashbacks and nightmares still haunt him. He said if it weren't for the love and support of his wife he wouldn't make it. He also has a strong faith in God.

2There is some disagreement over who wrote The Final Analysis The actual poem is:

The Final AnalysisPeople are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; … forgive them you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; … be kind you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; … succeed you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; … be honest and frank you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; … build you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; … be happy good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; … do good the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; … give the world the best you've got see, in The Final Analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

Keith Kent wrote and copyrighted _The Paradoxical Commandments _which is similar to this, but _The Final Analysis _was found on one of the walls in Mother Teresa's orphanages in her handwriting so it is often attributed to her. Kent's was different in some of the lines and did not contain the ending line about 'the final analysis.' Amanda misquoted as is often the case when you are pulling form memory. You get the gist of the meaning without being word for word.I am probably going to get a lot of flack over the no gun thing but I respect Martin Luther King, Jr. He opted to live his life not having a gun in the house during a violent era when a Southern black man's life had little value. He was making a lot of people angry by speaking out against segregation. He studied Gandhi's work and found the way to apply it to the civil rights movement. "Yeah and look what happened to him!!" Exactly, look what happened to him. His death sealed the end of segregation. Would he have chosen to live if segregation had continued to exist? I thin k he entered that cause willing to give his life for it so he would have felt it was a justifiable end.


End file.
